Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Baby love


I'm sitting in bed, typing this on my phone while I feed Dominic. It's midnight and he's awake for his first feeding of the night. I'm amazed at how fast he is growing and how we are growing together as a family. He smiles at us and mimics the sounds we make and we shower him with love and affection. 

Looking back it's amazing to see how things have changed in the past year. I'll never forget seeing that positive pregnancy test and feeling shocked, scared and totally empty. I remember curling up in bed while Mark worked a night shift and willing myself not to cry. It wasn't that I didn't want kids, that was always the dream. It's just that I didn't think we were ready. Now can't be the right time, I told myself. And the tears spilled down my face and I felt like a terrible mother. 

I tried my best to be brave and accept it and be excited, but I was terrified. It wasn't until a little over a week later that my feelings changed. I was bleeding and cramping and felt like I could be losing this life inside me before I'd even had a chance to love it. And, there, sitting in a hospital gown in the ER, I realized how desperately I wanted and needed this tiny baby. I held my breath while they prepped for my ultrasound and it seemed like time stopped when I saw that tiny flickering heartbeat. 
Looking at that now, I can't believe that's the same boy I'm currently cradling in my arms. And looking at it back then, there's no way I could have anticipated the love and joy that tiny speck has brought to my life. I can't imagine how I ever lived without him and he is truly the best thing I've done in my entire life. 

Dominic is back asleep now. I'm stealing a few extra snuggles before I lay him back in his bed and I'm thanking God for blessing me with this amazing boy.